Hey friends, Peggy Hall back with you to add some positive value to your day. And we are talking about guilt and boundaries. Boundaries can literally be life-saving. They can help you have a greater impact because you no longer are going to spin your wheels being engaged in things that really are not paying off like you hope they would. But there is something that comes along with setting boundaries that many of you have brought up, and that is a feeling of guilt, that you’re not doing enough, and how rude it is of you to set boundaries, for example, with loved ones.

And I want to share with you a different perspective that can help you break free from feeling guilty about setting boundaries. Often, this will happen with people that have huge compassionate hearts that want to help others, but they do so at their own expense. And that is really the dividing line when it comes to my life, where I decide whether or not I am doing something generously and authentically, out of love, not out of obligation, not out of a requirement, and certainly not doing it with a sense of resentment. And unfortunately, when you don’t set compassionate boundaries, you often can find yourself doing things, not because you really want to do it out of a compassionate heart, but because you feel that you would feel guilty if you didn’t do it.

So let me give you a couple of examples. And I want you to think about how setting boundaries is not about being selfish. In fact, it’s the exact opposite. It’s actually being selfish and sort of underhanded if you don’t set compassionate boundaries, because you could be enabling others to undergo certain behaviors or to not take responsibility for themselves. So I want to give you a couple of examples. And sometimes people are not setting boundaries for the wrong reasons. All right. Let’s say that you have a friend who wants to be picked up at the airport, and you would love to pick up your friend at the airport, and you have agreed to do so.

And as the day nears you realize, Oh, I don’t really want to go to the airport after all. And then you decide, I’m going to set a boundary and I’m going to tell them that they need to get their own transportation from the airport. Peggy told me to set boundaries and this is at my own expense because I want to relax that day. All right. You should feel guilty if you don’t go and pick up your friend at the airport because you already agreed to do so. The setting boundaries comes in prior to making any agreement because I always believe in fulfilling your obligations and always your first obligation.

So even if something came up later, you don’t want to break that first obligation because you’ve already agreed to it. But let’s frame it this way. You have a friend that’s coming in to visit, and they want you to pick them up at the airport. And you realize that this is going to be at your own expense. And I don’t mean money, although that could be an aspect of it. But let’s say that it’s not convenient for you, or you want to have your own free time. Or whatever the reason is, and your reasons are valid, even if you just want to rest and relax and you don’t feel like picking them up at the airport, that’s okay.

So you could suggest that they find their own transportation without feeling guilty. I know, I know. You’re already going to be arguing with me. Gee, Peggy, that’s not very Christian, and that’s not very kindhearted of you. But hear me out here. Is it better that you agree to do it reluctantly? And then inside, you are resenting it, and you’re going kind of in a huff, and you’re doing it with not from the goodness of your heart? How is that any better? You’re actually doing it under false pretenses. It’s a type of deception. So I believe that it’s better to be honest and say, you know, that’s not going to work for me.

So I hope you’ll be able to get, you know, transportation from the airport, and I can’t wait to see you, and we’re going to have a wonderful visit. There, in that case, you can make those decisions and set that boundary guilt free, because you didn’t agree to do it. And then at the last minute, say, Oh, no, I can’t do that. Let’s have another example. Let’s say that you have a friend that is chronically late, and it has caused you at your own expense to be late as well. Maybe the two of you were going to an event, and your friend was running late, and it turns out, you didn’t get there in time, and you had to wait to be seated later, and it was kind of upsetting, and you were rushing to get there.

And the entire event was just was soured because you didn’t set a boundary with your friend, knowing that your friend is chronically late. I’ve said it before on this channel, and I’ll say it again, you cannot control anyone’s behavior. It’s difficult to even control our own behavior, we can’t control anyone else’s. So a boundary such as you need to be on time. You know, or, or else that doesn’t really work. Because again, you’re talking about that person’s behavior, you can only set boundaries on your own behavior. So an example such as I’m going to be ready at 630.

And if you’re ready at 630, and I pick you up, we’ll go. And if you’re not ready at 630, I’m going to go on ahead on my own and you’ll have to find your other transportation, and you just let them know that that is your boundary. Now they have a choice. They have a choice of being on time, or they have a choice of going on their own. And that’s okay. And I do understand that when you’re new to setting boundaries, I’m speaking from my own experience, it can be awkward in the beginning. I’m going to give you an example of personal example in just a moment.

But I want you to think about a compassionate boundary. And in this case, you might actually have a beneficial impact on your friend, who now realizes that you are not going to wait for her if she’s chronically late, because it is at your own expense. Now I’m not suggesting that you implement this if that’s not an issue with you and your friends, I’m just giving you an example so that you can think about areas in your life. Where you could set some boundaries, I’m setting boundaries around my work. All right, I’m endeavoring not to work, you know, 24 seven and certainly not all day on Saturday and all day on Sunday, so that I can be more effective.

If I literally am working 20 hours a day, which I was in, you know, the early days of all of this hogwash that we went through previously. It can really wear me down and then I’m not as effective to bring my information and informative and hopefully inspiring and uplifting encouraging videos for you. I’ve also set another boundary around my work, which is I do not eat at the computer. I used to have little snacks, a little cup of tea, a little cup of coffee, you know, I’m just not going to eat in my office, period. It’s a boundary that I’m setting for myself, because not having that boundary was at my own expense.

I would have crumbs, I would spill something. It was a way of distracting me from my work at hand so that’s another simple compassionate boundary that I set for myself. When I was new to setting boundaries, I experimented with this with my mom. May she rest in peace. And my mom was a very adventurous, engaged person who loved to be involved and go places and do things. And at the time when she was alive, I was working a lot. And my schedule didn’t always match with hers. So I remember specifically, she wanted to go do something on the weekend.

And it was not going to work with my timing she wanted to go on Saturday, and I had already had my previous obligations and remember I honor my first obligation. But I didn’t like to disappoint my mom, and most of my life, I would turn myself inside out to do what my mom wanted to do. And I realized that sometimes I was doing it out of resentment and out of obligation, and out of almost like a requirement, instead of doing it out of love and enjoyment and joy. And so I distinctly made a choice that I was going to be more honest with my mom because always trying to be a people pleaser and not having clear boundaries actually wasn’t being honest.

So, I remember this very clearly and she said I would like to go here. Why don’t we go together, you know, and I said, Mom, I would love to go. Saturday’s not going to work for me, why don’t we go on Sunday, and then I kind of held my breath and waiting to see if she would be upset or feel that I was being selfish or stingy or, you know, unbendable and not flexible enough. And she’s thought about it for a moment and she said, Okay, I think we can go on Sunday. Oh my gosh, that’s all it took.

That’s all it took to stand up for myself was to actually offer something. And if she couldn’t do it on Sunday and I couldn’t do it on Saturday we would have to do it another time. Now I realized that this is a very well, maybe not for all of us but it’s a rather low level boundary it is not life or death we’re not talking about setting a boundary with your boss or a co worker I mean this is my mom, but I did need to develop it and practice it in more of these low level, sort of non, you know, traumatic situations.

And then there was another time where my mom and I were walking Teddy in the park, and I could tell that Teddy had had enough. And I said Okay, Mom, I think we’re going to turn back now because Teddy’s had enough and she said, Oh, let’s just go up a little further here I want to go around, you know, over that area. And I said, Okay, Mom, why don’t you go ahead and go around that area Teddy and I are going to walk back home. I couldn’t believe again that I had said that because normally, I would say, Oh, okay and then I would do it and maybe I would even say oh okay, and I would do it sort of inwardly sighing like I don’t really want to do it.

And friends, it’s a give and take, there are plenty of times when I have acquiesced and I’ve done things that maybe I didn’t exactly want to do with that much enjoyment and enthusiasm at the moment so it is a give and take, but I was practicing the setting of boundaries and you know what, it was no problem. And my mom said, Oh, okay that that’s what we’ll do that another time and we all walk back together. And she wasn’t upset and I kind of stood up a little straighter and pulled my shoulders back and thought, Hey, I can actually stand up for myself.

I’ve done videos on this channel before about not knowing how to do this when I was younger, and it was at my own expense it was at my own detriment where people were bulldozing me. And I’ve got videos about that standing up for yourself and the interesting thing is when you set these boundaries, rather than people be upset with you. I found that number one, it’s kind of startling, they may look at you like wow I, you used to always go along with everything I suggested and wanted and, and now you’re kind of standing up for yourself, they actually admire you.

They, this has been my experience they may not outwardly say so, but it’s been my experience that people actually respect others who have compassionate boundaries. And the other thing is you know where you stand with them. So it’s not wishy washy, it’s not, you know, one time the person’s late and you let it go and the next time you fly off the handle and say that’s it you’re never going again. I mean that’s not very compassionate either. So think about areas in your life where you could set compassionate boundaries without guilt. Practice in the low level scenarios and situations that are not life and death, and then work your way up to that.

You might even explain to the individuals that are going to be impacted by your boundaries, what it is you’re doing. And let me know in a comment, an area in your life where you could set a compassionate boundary with others or with yourself. I believe that setting compassionate boundaries for yourself is a key in elevating your physical, mental, spiritual, emotional, intellectual, social aspects of who you are, because all of these areas make up a part of your life experience. And if you are completely without boundaries in certain areas, other areas of your life may suffer as well.

I had another quick example with a friend of mine, and it was a Saturday and I said, Hey, you know, we’re all going to go do this. Would you like to go? And she said, Oh, gosh, I would love to do that, but I’m planning on going to church and said, like, that’s fine. She didn’t have to make up any other excuse. She didn’t have to go along and not go to church. Her boundary was that she attends the services on Saturday afternoon, and that’s great. And in the future, I will understand that, respect that, maybe have a different timeframe, and maybe for her own boundary, she’ll decide that maybe once a month, she does church on Sunday instead of Saturday, and then she’ll have free time to be with others.

These are just examples off the top of my head. But my goal is that you are able to set these compassionate boundaries guilt-free. You actually could have a positive impact on others. How many of you know someone, and you know, Lord help them, and I’ve been in the situation as well, where you have been struggling financially, and there are bona fide situations where somebody needs a helping hand. And thank you, Lord, I’ve been blessed to be on the other side of that equation as well. But there are also those that seem to not be able to use that as a hand up, but rather as a hand out, and it’s an endless need, need, need, and it doesn’t seem as though there is any forward movement, as though there is any learning in terms of managing finances or improving the ability to make money.

And this came to me when I was studying the Dave Ramsey approach to getting out of debt. I don’t know if you ever listened to his radio show or have read any of his books. A church that I attended previously did have a whole program, and it literally was life-changing for me. I knew that these credit cards were, you know, not the way to go, and Dave Ramsey lays out step by step how to do it. You may or may not agree with his steps, but the point I wanted to make was an example that he gave of someone who needed some financial assistance, and they said, you know, it’ll be a loan and I’ll pay you back.

And Dave Ramsey said, well, I don’t do loans, but you can, I believe he said you can work it off, or I’m going to give it to you as a gift with the caveat that you go through this program. And I want you to go through this program, complete all of the worksheets, and in that scenario, the money is yours and it is a gift. So in that way, I really like that approach. Number one, Dave Ramsey is setting a boundary of not loaning money. He’ll give it as a gift. He’ll let people work it off.

So that’s a compassionate boundary. And the other thing was that he tied to that, this request that the individual go through the program to learn how to get out of debt and manage money better. Now, if a person says, Oh, no, no, I’ve done that before. That’s not going to work. I don’t believe if they start to push back, that’s information that you can use to determine your choice and your decision with that individual. Again, I’m not here to make choices for you. That’s up to you. My goal is to offer tips and strategies, things that I’ve done in my life that have helped me live more fully and more freely.

And that is my hope and prayer for you. Let me know in a comment, compassionate boundaries that you’ve set that you would like to set and any additional tips and techniques that you can share with our lovely audience. [tr:trw].

See more of The Healthy American Peggy Hall on their Public Channel and the MPN The Healthy American Peggy Hall channel.