There’s nothing wrong with wanting to try to fix things or help improve or maybe even to fix people, but you know, and I know that it’s very difficult, if not impossible. In fact, we can’t fix or change anyone. You can only do it yourself and that can lead to a lot of frustration and irritation, anger, resentment when we’re trying to have somebody change and they won’t. But the topic for today is the title of the video, but first, empathy. Let me take you back a few years ago. Oh my gosh, it was probably 10 years ago or more, maybe 12 years ago, and my husband and I were going through a training program at the church and it was called lay counseling, which means we were trained to be prayerful spiritual helpers for those that were going through difficult times.

Now I have been a teacher for over 30 years and I’ve been a health coach. I’ve been an emotional wellness coach. I’ve been a person who naturally wants to offer support. I want everybody to be happy and to overcome their problems. So this was a very difficult training for me to go through because the very first thing they taught us in the training is don’t solve anyone’s problem. And I’m like, well, if you don’t want us to solve anyone’s problem or problems, then what are we doing here? Why am I even here to listen? And they said, that’s exactly it.

You are here to listen. You are here to validate, to reflect, to respond, and to even enhance what it is the person is saying. And you’re not here to offer any suggestions or any fixes. And I remember saying to my husband, this is not the program for me. I want people to have solutions, strategies, tips, techniques, resources, remedies. That’s what I have built my business on over at The Healthy American is to help people figure out how to stand up against tyranny, to help people fight back against depression, to have the practical steps, actually do this first, do this second, do this third.

And friends, that is all well and good. But first, empathy. What is empathy? Empathy is where you can endeavor to put yourself into the place of someone else and to feel what they are feeling. Let me say it’s impossible, really, to feel what anyone else is feeling. You can only feel what you are feeling. And even if someone comes to you and says, I lost my job, and they may be feeling that that is the end of the world, they have no other options, they can’t see their hand in front of them, even the next step, where you might feel, oh, gosh, that’s a bummer.

But hey, that means there’s new opportunities, I might find something better. This is a chance for me to do something different. You may have a completely different outlook on the same set of circumstances. So I do believe that it is nearly impossible to accurately feel what someone else is feeling. However, you can still offer empathy in this way. And there are a couple of things that I would do. And number one, you simply reflect back exactly what the person said to you. And let me let’s let’s say that somebody like me lost my cell phone.

All right. And I tell a friend, oh, my gosh, I can’t believe that I lost my cell phone. Because my friend and possibly you and definitely me, because we want to fix things, and we don’t want people to feel bad, we often jump over the whole empathy part, and we immediately want to fix it, such as, oh, now you can get a new one, and you didn’t like that phone anyway. And I bet that all of your contacts are still on the cloud. It’s really easy. I lost my phone before you get all your contacts back.

That’s all well and good. But first, empathy. So it would look like this. I lost my cell phone in a rental car. And they told me that they don’t have it. And I’m out of a phone. And now I’m gonna have to spend money and get a new phone. So instead of fixing the situation, empathy looks like this. Oh, my gosh, what a bummer. So you actually, I even broke my own rule, you reflect back exactly what they say. So you say, you lost your cell phone in the rental car, and they can’t get it back.

You don’t even have to come up with anything other than to say exactly what they said. And then that’s when the person says, Yes, exactly. I lost my phone in the rental car, and they can’t find it. And I’m never going to get it back. Immediately, for most people, there is a sense of relief because they were heard. And even, you know, down the road, you can fix things, you want to reflect back exactly what the person said, you might have something on a grander scale, that’s even more traumatic, where you have somebody say, Oh, my gosh, I just found out that my cousin passed away.

And you don’t dive in and say, were they a human pin cushion? You say, Oh, my gosh, you just found out your cousin passed away. Now, you may be thinking, Peggy, that’s so basic. And it’s so childlike. And it’s so weird that you’re repeating what they’re saying. Try it. I challenge you to do this experiment. And it doesn’t even have to be with it. It could be with something great. You could hear from someone who says, I just got a new job. And you say, Oh, my gosh, you just got a new job.

You don’t have to do anything other than repeat back what they said, somebody might say, This is the best hamburger I ever ate. And you say, Oh, my gosh, that is the best hamburger you ever ate. Try it, you are going to be amazed at how this really opens up conversations. But in the terms of empathy, it’s especially powerful. And it’s exceptionally important that a person feels heard before you go on to fix it. I call it cleaning out the wound before you bandage it. Many people, including myself, want to rush to bandage the wound before you’ve even cleared it and cleaned it out.

So you do that by number one, reflecting back exactly what they said. All right, that’s it exactly what they said, then you can kind of emphasize it or enhance it and say, Oh, my gosh, I’ve heard from so many people that have lost their phones in their car, or you kind of acknowledge it and validate it by saying, I bet that happens to a lot of people because you’re in a rental car, you can’t remember where you put your phone. And these people that are cleaning out the rental cars probably sell them on the black market, you just you kind of emphasize.

So you reflect and then you make it even bigger. Oh, I bet that happens to a lot of people. I’ve heard that happening. Or in the case of something very traumatic, you know, loss of a loved one, oh, my goodness, I’ve been hearing so many people that are losing their loved ones. And that’s the step two. Now the step three is where you offer the emotional support. That sounds absolutely horrible. I can’t imagine how you’re feeling and even ask them, Oh, my gosh, how are you feeling about this? So you’re validating you haven’t even gotten to the Mr.

Fix it yet. You’re actually allowing the person to express and process all of their emotions, which you don’t really know what they are. But you can ask. And only until you’ve had that conversation, only until you’ve expressed the empathy, that must be horrible. Oh, my gosh, I can’t imagine what it’s like to be in that position. I can only imagine that is so heart wrenching and distressing. You could say something like that, that’s a little more generic. And only then, and that may go on for many minutes or many conversations or many statements and expressions.

And then you might say, Hey, you know what, if you want, I can help you process your insurance on that stolen phone. But that doesn’t help the person if you offer that as a very first thing. Oh, my gosh, I lost my phone. Well, let’s get the insurance on it. Oh, I haven’t even had a chance to get through all my emotional upheaval. Right? You find out somebody passed away. Well, it’s for the best, they’re in a better place. I didn’t even I didn’t even have a chance to grieve here. So let that happen.

You’ll this is something that I endeavor, I’m not always, you know, good at, but I, I strive to keep that desire to fix things, and to make it all better and to wipe away the tears, let them have their tears first. So first, empathy, let me know in a situation, let me know in a common a situation that you or a loved one might have had, and how you might be able to, to deal with that. Often, we have what we have trivial things in our life, like, Oh, my gosh, they didn’t deliver my thing, and I wanted it today.

And now I don’t have it. And instead of saying, Well, let’s just call them, maybe they can do another delivery. You say, Oh, my gosh, what is it that you ordered? Oh, what were you going to use that for? What a bummer, you were anticipating having it today, and it didn’t come, they didn’t send it on the day they would. Oh, my gosh, I bet that happens a lot. You see, that’s a different conversation than immediately go to the well, maybe they can deliver it again. Sometimes this conversation takes 30 seconds, sometimes it takes three minutes, sometimes the empathy can go on for 30 minutes, or, or a long time, you’ll know when the person is sort of getting through that, the more you rush that and we tend to do it with people that we’re really close with, I think, because we, we feel awkward, that they feel uncomfortable that they are grieving that they are upset that they’re irritated.

So we want to smooth it over. But what happens, at least in my experience, is when we try to smooth it over, the person can get more and more irritated, maybe even at an exaggerated level that they wouldn’t have feel that they were heard. They didn’t feel that their situation was validated, that it was worthy, that it was acknowledged. Friends, in my many decades on this earth, I have come to find that that is a universal, let me say, nearly universal desire among our lovely human beings that we want to be heard, we want our emotions to be validated.

And I am not talking about wallowing in the complaining, you know me, I’m not about that whatsoever. But there is value in people getting things off their chest, sort of working through it a little bit, you can be there to listen, shake your head and say, Oh, my gosh, that’s fine, you can do use all sorts of neutral language, like repeating back what they said, and oh, my goodness, who would have thought that would happen? I’m sorry to hear that happened. How do you feel about that? And then another really great sentence is to say, do you have any ideas what you might do next? Friends, that is another one of those clever phrases that puts the power back into your loved one’s hands, so that they can say, well, you know, I did think that I believe I have insurance on that phone, so I am going to make a call.

And then they start to feel better, they’re not going to be wallowing in the sorrow, the complaint, the headache, the irritation, they may not know, they may be so grieved, so upset, so emotionally distraught, that you could offer these things, well, maybe you’ve got insurance, or perhaps we can look into this, would you like somebody didn’t go with you to the mortuary to the funeral home? Can I help you select the music for the service? But you don’t do that at the very beginning. First, empathy. I would try this on a regular everyday basis.

So when you’re driving with a loved one, and they are like, Oh, I missed that turn, I got to make it you turn. And instead of saying, how could you not have seen it? It was back there. Right? That’s probably what we want to say. I told you to turn left. Instead of that, you can say, Oh, my gosh, maybe that’s not a very good example. I’m trying to think of things right on the spur of the moment. But try to use it in an everyday scenario, you go to the grocery store, they’re out of your favorite decaf coffee.

And instead of saying, Hey, we can just order online, you can say, Oh, my gosh, they’re out of the decaf coffee, they normally carry it. I know it’s your favorite. What can we do instead? You see, you’re like a part of the whole thing. And amazingly, it actually helps that person not complain as much because you took some of the burden. It helps them be heard. Because I’ve learned that people that complain again and again and again and again, their friends, their family, their children, their spouse, they kind of tuned them out.

And the complaining just goes on and on and on. Because no one takes the time to actually acknowledge it and go, Wow, you sound really upset by this. This sounds like something that’s really irritating you. What do you think is going on here? And then you can reach the smoother sailing, right? The brighter days, the sunny shores ahead. So that’s what I have for you, friends. It’s so great to have you on board. Tell your friends about this channel. And I endeavor to bring you positive value so that you can help keep your head above the waves in the stormy seas of life.

It is my honor to try to help improve the emotional wellness of my fellow human beings. And that’s what I do on this channel. So it’s a lot of fun to share these tips and tricks and techniques and tools. And you know, positive thinking is not enough. There is a role for that. But we do need to face the reality and take steps so that we can help empathize with people, help them clear through their emotions and then offer our solutions. All right, friends, signing off now
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