Putting the HAPPY Back into the HOLIDAYS

So why not just encompass them all by saying happy holidays? But the fact is, the holidays are not always happy. And I know this because I have struggled with grief and loss and loneliness and nostalgia at a milder level when we are in the holiday season. And that’s because perhaps you’re in the same boat. My parents are no longer alive. And I think the fact just that we are no longer children anyway can add a sense of, at least for me, a sense of loss, a great deal of nostalgia for the happier days of the past when as children, hopefully this was the case for you, that you had a lovely, happy childhood and that your memories of these holidays probably are quite something that you treasure.

At least that’s the case for me. So in the last several years, when all of our lives have changed over the last few years, that’s for sure. And for some of us, we have lost loved ones who have passed away. We have lost loved ones that are still alive. But the relationships have been broken. And there are people that have been facing health challenges, financial challenges, in addition to these relationship challenges.

So when the world around us is saying happy holidays and merry Christmas and Happy New Year, and let’s get going on your resolutions, you might feel like I have many for many years, that the holidays aren’t all there cracked up to be. Or you may try even harder to put on a happy face for your family. Maybe you have children, grown children, grandchildren. Maybe you don’t have an extended family and you are alone during the holidays.

So my goal in this video is to give you some moral support, some spiritual encouragement, and to let you know how I have faced the holidays over the years in a way that has helped me feel better and not get lost in the river of pain. If this doesn’t apply to you right now, I still recommend that you watch the video because you could use these tips to help someone you know that is suffering, or it may be that your situation changes in the years to come.

So you will want to refer back to some of these tips. And the number one that I would say is to cut yourself some slack. You do not need to do everything perfectly. In fact, you don’t need to do anything. If you don’t want to decorate your house, if you don’t want to exchange gifts, if you don’t want to do the holiday baking, if you don’t want to go see the trees and the lights and the music, you do not have to do any of this.

Even if you are responsible for other people. Maybe you have young people in your life, or elderly, or those that rely on you. You still get to put forth your choices, your desires, your preferences. And there’s always another way, as I like to say. And maybe you have a family member that really wants to go all in on the holidays and you really don’t. Well, they can do their own thing.

And even if that requires maybe getting a ride to one of these events that you don’t want to go to, along those lines, I do recommend, if at all possible, that you do take care of your own transportation if you are going to a holiday gathering. And you may feel like you want to duck out a little bit earlier than everyone else just to give yourself that freedom and ability to leave an event if you’re feeling overwhelmed.

So that’s my number one tip. You don’t have to participate in anything that you don’t want to and literally cut yourself some slack. Maybe you want to compromise. And instead of making all of the holiday meals from scratch, you’ll get some prepared foods, or maybe you’ll do more of a potluck. Or maybe you’re not going to make as many side dishes as you normally do. And this goes hand in hand with my second tip, which is consider new traditions.

That probably sounds like an oxymoron because traditions are something that we have done in the past, but why not do something completely different? And for me, that has been one of the most helpful tips. And again, you may find that carrying on the traditions of your loved ones brings you great comfort. You may love to hang the Christmas stockings that you had as a child. I have this beautiful bowl that my mom used to use and put her cranberries in there that she would serve for Thanksgiving and Christmas dinner.

And I love that bowl. And there were a couple of years where I tried to recreate my mom’s recipe and I wasn’t able to do so. And for me personally, it actually made me sadder realizing she wasn’t there. It wasn’t going to taste as good. And no number of bowls of cranberries was going to bring my mom back and bring back the years that were gone by. So for me personally, that didn’t work.

But I have heard from plenty of others who have told me that carrying on the traditions of their deceased loved ones is a beautiful way of honoring their memory and that it brings them great comfort and healing and warmth and welcome memories. So these are things that you can consider. The point is that you don’t have to feel, I hope that you don’t feel as if you are required to carry on these traditions just because they’re traditions.

So if you like your reasons for doing so, by all means do so. I just want to help open the possibility in your mind that you don’t necessarily have to try to recreate every holiday the way that it was done previously. For me, this has been life changing. I actually intended, I intentionally decided that I wanted to collect as many different holiday experiences as possible. Meaning I wanted to do something completely out of the ordinary so that I would have something new to look forward to.

Now, that’s my third tip, is always have something to look forward to. And for me, I was looking forward to something different. We didn’t necessarily go to the same street to drive around and see the decorations that we had seen all those previous years. And my mom loved the light parade that we would have in the Dana Point harbor. Oh, my gosh, it was always freezing that time of the year.

So many of our memories are just of shivering and being so cold and kind of waiting for the boat parade to be over. And truth be told, I have not gone back to the boat parade since my mom has passed away. That’s a memory that I want to keep intact with her and I and our family. And it’s like those were beautiful times. I can never recreate them.

And maybe I will change my attitude in the coming years. And that’s okay. That’s the point about being open to different possibilities. It doesn’t have to be either or all or nothing. Maybe I’ll go to a boat parade in a different location. Maybe I’ll watch a video of it on YouTube or look at it in the newspaper. I don’t get the newspaper, but look at images of it online.

So there are always different ways of experiencing these holiday traditions that don’t necessarily have to be the exact same blueprint of all the previous years. I have found that for me, it’s somewhat of a disappointment because it’s never going to be the same. A hybrid of that is to bring in a little of the old and a little of the new, all the while having something to look forward to.

And what I mean is this. Don’t preconceive your notions. I like to say it that way. You’ve heard of that expression? Oh, it’s just a preconceived notion, meaning you have already made up your mind before the thing even happens. So when it comes to the holidays, I have also just determined that I am not going to preconceive my notions. I am going to be open for whatever happens.

I’m going to be grateful for another day of life, and I am going to endeavor to remember my loved ones and the beautiful memories we’ve had without letting that drag me down into overwhelming sorrow or nostalgia. Maybe that’s just me. I am somewhat of an emotional person in that I feel my emotions strongly. Not everybody does. There’s no right or wrong or good or bad here. It’s just how it is for me.

And I have found that when I focus on doing something different, that I have something new to look forward to that helps me sail through the holidays a little lighter, a little brighter, and a little less saddled by feelings of loss and grief. There are always people that can use your help. And that’s my next tip. In the old days, when I worked at the university, I would have my staff, we would come together, and I would have collected cards all throughout the year.

And we would sit down and write out just cheerful cards, cheerful notes. And then we would take those cards to a nursing home or a hospital nearby and just let the receptionist know that these are cards that could be given out to any of their residents or patients that might not have family members. I didn’t want anybody to be left out. And I’m telling you that I was blessed and my staff was blessed probably far more than the recipients of those cards, because as we were writing out the cheerful notes, it was an outward focused activity whereby we were not just focused on ourselves and our sorrows or our losses or whatever else the holiday brings.

We were focused on bringing some holiday cheer to others. So that might look differently for you. You might want to prepare a beautiful meal or a side dish and take it to someone that you know would enjoy it, or invite someone into your home that may be alone on the holidays, or maybe you’re going to skip the holidays altogether. I know there are plenty of people that don’t believe in Christmas or believe what it stands for and don’t want to have anything to do with it.

And they just go off on a little family getaway for those few days to kind of get away from the hubbub and the hustle and the commercialism of it all. And there are others that love the lights and the trees so much. They have it up the day after Thanksgiving until the end of January. Maybe there is no right or wrong other than what makes sense for you.

So the other thing is, I have found it meaningful to recognize and remember a family member during the holidays in a special way. My dad used to be a performer in the barbershop quartet, in the four part harmony, choruses and quartets, and a holiday festivity and tradition that we still have with our family is we go and listen, we attend one of these concerts, and I’m telling you, in the first few years after he passed away, it was really, really difficult.

I would be sitting there with tears streaming down my face, like, listening for my dad’s voice, which I feel like I heard. And I knew that he was ideally, hopefully, smiling down from his eternal glory and proud that I was holding it together and still enjoying the singing that was such a part of his life. As the years have gone by, the loss is still there, the sorrow is still there, the deep pain I can keep a little bit at bay.

But that’s one example of maintaining. Actually, it was a new tradition that we started after my dad passed away so that we could honor his memory. So coming full circle back to maybe preparing a special food from a loved one, or using a special dish, or putting out some of the decorations, as long as you don’t feel compelled to do so and stay in touch with how you’re feeling and what you’re thinking and experiencing with these actions to see whether or not it serves you.

The bottom line, friends, is that these holidays can be very difficult. Even if we haven’t had losses, we’ve had the loss of the years go by and we’re no longer children. Or maybe your children are grown or your grandchildren are growing up, or maybe you’re not going to be spending time with your family and extended family over the holidays. I just wanted to let you know that I understand and I am here for you.

Think about and let me know in a comment what you might do during the holidays that will give you a lift in your step, some lightness in your heart. And even if you are sorrowing and grieving, that’s okay. All emotions are valid. Where there is love, there will be loss. Where there is loss, there is grief, there are tears, there is a heaviness. And that is understandable. And nothing that I say here is intended to make you brush that aside, sweep it under the carpet, put on a happy face and move ahead.

It’s quite the opposite. I am looking for ways to help you heal and to integrate these changes in your life as you move forward. I am so grateful for my family, my extended family, my friends like you who are on board and finding your group, finding your people. And even if it’s one other person that you can be with so that you’re not alone, I would say that is key.

I am a person of faith. I don’t attend organized churches or anything like that anymore. In the old days, I did enjoy the rituals. I guess I would say that brought a sense of tradition and certainty during that period of time. And now I seek out other things like music, the lights, the special foods. But we are at a point in our life where we really don’t even do the gift exchange as much.

We like to focus on experiences, doing things together, sharing time together more than just collecting more stuff. If you’re like me, you probably are in a phase of life where you’re downsizing and streamlining and simplifying and decluttering. And I plan on bringing more content about that on this channel coming up in the new year because that’s a period of time when many of us are looking forward to shedding a few pounds and also lightening our living spaces.

So I hope to be of help for you as well. Let me know your tips for making the holidays happier. What have you done in your situation to get through these days that may not be as happy as the greeting cards tell us that they are? So I just want to let you know that I am praying for you. I appreciate you and I look forward to seeing you in an upcoming broadcast.

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