Hey friends, Peggy Hall back with you to add some positive value to your life. And we are heading into the holiday season. And when I speak about the holidays, I’m talking about Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, New Year’s, and whatever other holidays people are celebrating. And this can be a very emotional time for a lot of people. You might see family members that you don’t see all the time. There are emotions running high just because it’s the holidays. A lot of people are very busy. They feel that they’re in a time crunch. They might be feeling some financial pressures to buy gifts, or maybe look a certain way at holiday gatherings.

So I understand that there is a lot going on around the holidays. And I wanted to share with you some of my tips and tricks and conversation strategies that will help you if you find yourself in situations, maybe with people that you don’t know that well, or maybe these are people that you know, but you only see them once in a while. And for some reason, it seems like around the Thanksgiving table or in other situations, that our emotions can run especially high when we’re having conversations. And in the case of certain people, maybe they’re drinking, and they’re going to be a little more loose, their boundaries aren’t there.

And so I wanted to talk about how to speak your mind without losing your mind. And that basically the subtitle is how to keep your cool when everyone else around you is losing theirs. So your perspective and your opinion, they’re not a measurement of your worth, they are a measurement of your values, your principles, I can only speak for myself, I endeavored to live according to God’s laws, I am well aware of my faults and frailties, and I know that I have a lot of areas where I can grow. But I do want to keep in mind that having someone agree with me doesn’t have any weight on my worth as an individual.

And it’s the same for you. It seems like for some reason, people just have to be right. And they want to win that argument. So I’m going to share with you what I think is a very clever strategy. When you’re having these conversations where you can speak your mind without losing your mind. In fact, you might notice that the other people are losing their cool and you are keeping yours. Now, it’s actually not about speaking that much, it’s more about listening. And I want to tell you all about that. But before I do, I do want to bring a message from the sponsor of today’s video.

So we are going to hop right on over. Now, I’ve been telling you to join me over at healthwithpeggy.com. And some of you have been asking me, let me share my screen here. You’ve said, Peggy, do you use collagen? Should I use it? Does it really work? What kind should I use? Can I just buy it at the grocery store? Well, I recommend that you go to healthwithpeggy.com because there are countless Americans possibly like you wasting time, energy, and money this year trying to reduce wrinkles, for example, but failing because they missed the real problem.

And that is they are experiencing a decrease in their natural collagen reserves. So here’s how it works. After about the age of 20, your body produces about 12% less collagen each decade. So when you add that up, you’ll see that that depletion of collagen can add to an excess of sagging skin or wrinkles, in relation to your age, and you may be deficient in collagen. So just knowing that you should get collagen, as I say, you don’t just want to get it off the store shelves, you really need to use the right types of high quality sourced collagen to have the best chances of reducing the appearance of aging.

And there are other benefits that you can see here on the screen. So yes, you can restore bright youthful skin. You can also promote joint comfort. Collagen helps support healthy gut function. And it also visibly reduces hair damage and it can fortify your nails. I think that’s just fantastic. So I love this amazing new collagen mixture to revitalize and rejuvenate my skin. Unlike those typical collagen supplements that you find on the store shelves, as I say, this one from BioTrust, you go to healthwithpeggy.com, is highly effective because it has the top five critically important types of collagen for skin health.

It’s formulated to help reduce the visible signs of aging, reduce wrinkles, promote a youthful glow, and promote elasticity and skin hydration. So if you want to do your skin a favor, why don’t you check it out? You can get it today up to 51% off at healthwithpeggy.com and you’ll get free VIP live health and fitness coaching for life. There is a free new ebook titled The 14 Foods for Amazing Skin. And friends, there is a 60 day satisfaction guarantee and you get free shipping. So if you’re curious, I want you to check it out.

I’ll have a link for you in the description box below. And that is healthwithpeggy.com. All right, friends, we are talking about how to keep your cool while everyone else around you is losing theirs, or in other words, how to speak your mind without losing your mind. And I want to remind you that you don’t have to convince people of your point of view. In fact, I think it’s very difficult to convince anyone of anything. I’ve been on this public platform for many years and I speak my mind and I share my point of view.

Ideally, I’m backing it up with evidence and a basis for my opinion. But it seems to me that some people are going to hold fast to their opinion, no matter what. And many people, I found, want to discover things on their own. They don’t want to say, okay, you’re right, I’m wrong. It just seems to be out of our human nature to admit that we were wrong. So here’s my approach and take it or leave it, but this is what I do. So thinking about the holidays, gathering around, the holiday tables and topics come up.

And I can be very enthusiastic, for example, wanting to give my point of view. And I’m a teacher, so I want to educate people. And I realize that can backfire quite easily. So I turn the tables and what I do is I become an expert at listening. And I want to share with you some of my phrases that actually, well, let me take you through that and I’m going to explain why they’ve been powerful in my life and how possibly as you are leading the person that you’re speaking with through these questions, they themselves might come to their own realization that their point of view might be not supported by facts or evidence, or they may start talking and realize that they’re setting a trap that they’re falling into themselves.

You don’t even need to do it. So let’s talk about some of these simple phrases that you can use. You’re talking about, you have a topic of conversation. And the first thing I would do is say, ah, tell me more. Tell me more. Oh, I’d like to hear more about that. Tell me more. Another phrase would be, I see. Uh-huh. Yes, go on. So let’s say you have somebody talking about how great it is that they’re getting rid of traffic lanes and they’re putting in bike lanes. And you’re opposed to that because you don’t want to have to ride a bike to work.

You want to be able to drive on the road that your taxes pay for. And besides, you’ve never seen a bicycle on the road before and you’re ready to have this debate and conversation and tell them all of your opinion, all of your opinions. Well, I would recommend, if you want to experiment with this approach, is you say, I see. So tell me more why you like this one lane driving setup and the bicycles. I see. Uh-huh. And you’re not agreeing with them, but you are responding, letting them know that you’re listening, meaning you have a pleasant expression on your face.

You’re not sitting like this and huffing and puffing and rolling your eyes and everything and interrupting them. And this actually gives you the power in the conversation. I know it may seem that it’s the opposite, but by you listening, you actually, number one, are letting them share what’s on their mind. You’re going to understand where they’re coming from. Because speaking for myself, believe it or not, sometimes I will jump to conclusions and I will refute something they haven’t even said because I’m so enthusiastic about sharing my point of view. So instead, I will diffuse the situation.

I’ll be the person that’s cool and calm and I’ll say, uh-huh, I see. Okay, go on. And I let them talk more. And then I’ll say, oh, what else? Until I feel as though they have exhausted what it is they want to say. Now, sometimes as they’re talking, it may dawn on them like, oh yeah, that is going to make more traffic. If there’s only one lane, you don’t even have to say it. They, if they’re a person with an open mind and willing to learn and they have a curiosity and a certain level of intelligence and a capacity to draw conclusions from information, they may draw the conclusion that their position might not be as strong as they thought it was once they start talking about it.

So let them do the talking. They may fall into the pitfalls themselves. And then you can say things such as, that’s an interesting perspective. And you see, you haven’t agreed with them, but you’re also not fighting against them. You’re very calm and you will have your chance. Hang on. I know we all want to be first up at bat. You’re letting them take the strikes and what have you. So I also say, I hadn’t seen it that way before. You see, they may feel more comfortable. Now, their own desire to be right may subside a little bit because I’m smoothing things out.

I’ve never agreed with them, but I say, I see where you’re coming from. I can see how you would think that maybe a little could be snarky in the right tone of voice, but it’s absolutely accurate and sincere. I could see how you would think that because you want us all to ride bicycles and be in a 15 minute city. So I’ll say, I can see how you would think that, you know, I can see where you’re coming from. And all the time I have not agreed with them. Then you’ve diffused the situation. You’ve asked them everything.

What else? Tell me more. And now they feel like they got everything off their chest. Because if you try to have a debate and a discussion with someone who hasn’t said everything that they want to say, they’re not even going to listen to you. You’re actually wasting your breath. Now, I’ve been a communication skills instructor for many, many years. But I think just as a human being, you probably have realized that as well, that many times people simply don’t want to hear what you have to say. And if you interrupt them with your position, if I think that’s ridiculous, we should have more lanes for the cars.

That’s how we all get around. We don’t want to be back in the Stone Age riding bicycles like they do in China. You may want to say that. And maybe you want to get into a kind of a spirited debate, but I’m telling you, they’re not going to be really listening and they’re going to be gearing up with their next comeback. So instead, you let them put all their cards on the table, let them say everything they want to say. And here is where the little special technique comes in. At this point, you could say, I’m curious how you came to that conclusion.

Or I’m really interested in how you develop that perspective. Now you’re actually asking for evidence. You want to know why in the non-spinning world, they think that more bike lanes and fewer car lanes will help with traffic. And I’m talking about this because I have this video that I hope you all watch, which is what happened in a city in San Diego. It’s called Encinitas, California, a small town. And that’s exactly what they’re doing. And it is making traffic worst. Worst is worse than worse. And possibly causing collisions, a lot of bottlenecks, problems with emergencies, and so forth.

So that was just something that was top of mind. This might be about abortion. It might be about politics. It might be about public health. It might be about all sorts of things where you really have a strong opinion. I’m telling you, you are going to have the upper hand. You are going to be in a more powerful position when you hear everything they have to say so that then you actually now have information that you can refute, but I want to explain how to do that. Otherwise, you’re going to be speaking and they’re not going to listen to you.

So asking these questions of the person you’re having a conversation with is going to help you gather information. It’s going to help you keep your cool. It’s going to allow them to pontificate and they’re probably thinking, yeah, I’m really telling this person exactly what I think. And that’s fine. Again, you’re not going to judge your own value and worth over whether you win an argument or not. That’s for me, not the point. So you’ve diffused it. You leave it for them possibly to set some traps that they might fall into or paint themselves into a corner and they realize, oh, that’s not such a great idea.

Personally, I felt the same way about car pool lanes in California. I pay taxes for all those roads. Why should I, as a single person in a car without any passengers, why should I be discriminated against just because I don’t have someone to drive to work with? And they get that lane. In my opinion, open up all the lanes, everyone can drive, the traffic would move better. So for example, that would be my opinion. And if I were to talk about that, they may not want to hear what I have to say.

So here’s what you do. This is the clincher. You actually ask them if they want to hear your opinion. This is so powerful. I hardly ever hear anyone use this technique. I don’t know that I made it up, but it’s something that I’ve developed and have used very effectively in my life. So I simply, first of all, I kind of summarize and I repeat back what they said, like, oh, so as I understand it, you believe that a bike lane and a car lane is equitable and diverse and inclusive. I’m poking a little fun now.

And I’ll say, and you believe that it’s going to improve the environment and the city will look nicer and all of that. Is that pretty much what you said? And they’re going to be like, wow, she totally gets it. But here’s the thing. At this point, you can actually augment what they said to really seal the deal. And you can say, you know, I’ll bet there are a lot of people that look at this exactly like you do. And now they’re going to be like, oh, yeah, I really, I know what I’m talking about here because they might have expected you to argue with them, especially if you’re like me and you speak your mind quite vigorously.

So they’re like, wow, she really understands where I’m coming from. And you say, yeah. So you give a couple of sentences kind of augmenting and supporting their point of view. And this is all sincere. You’re not lying. You’re not cheating. You actually are having a cool conversation. You haven’t spoken your mind yet, but you’re about to do that. And you’re keeping your cool while anybody else debating might be losing theirs. And you say, yeah, I bet there’s a lot of people. There are a lot of people that feel like you do for those very reasons.

And they’re like, now you’ve really diffused the emotions and they believe that they, you know, like, wow, I really persuaded her. And then you say, and you might even say, you know what, I heard that so-and-so supports that as well. And you can use some name that they may value or, you know, like to hear from. So, and you can even use a name of somebody that they may admire. Now you say, can I share my perspective? You just wait. You let the silence hang because now you’re asking them if they want to hear from you.

And this is why it’s so powerful, friends. If they say, nah, I don’t want to talk about it anymore. You know what? There are people who will say that I actually know them. They’ve actually said that to me. And now I really have the upper hand because it’s clear that they’re not even, they don’t even have a strong enough position to defend because they don’t even want to hear my perspective, even though I was polite and calm and encouraging and patient, letting them have the floor without interrupting them. They don’t even want to hear my perspective.

So that’s a win in my column. I can put a little check mark if I’m keeping score that I just won that conversation and that debate because they basically are saying, I don’t want to hear it. Or they may say, oh, I got to go. They may blow you off in one way or another and you realize you just won that conversation. Not that it’s about winning or losing, but they weren’t able to back up their perspective. And remember, it’s highly unlikely you’re going to change their perspective unless they came to you saying, Peggy, I’ve been struggling with this concept of the bike lanes, taking away the driving lanes.

And I kind of see where the city is coming from, but I’m not sure if I’m, what do you think about it? Now that’s an open invitation, friends, to speak your mind freely. And ideally they’re not going to interrupt you and they’ll use these skills of, tell me more, I see, uh-huh, go on. They may not know how to do that, but if they ask you for your opinion, that’s one thing. So get this, you’ve said, can I share my perspective or maybe it’s more comfortable for you to say, would you like to know how I see it? And then you wait.

Or you could say, um, would you like to hear my point of view on that? So you, you just have asked them if they want to see, hear your opinion or your point of view or your outlook or your perspective. Now, a rational person who is emotionally mature will say, yeah, I would love to hear what you have to say. That would be an appropriate response. And ideally the people that you’re gathered with are rational human beings that are level-headed, that are emotionally mature and are going to say, yeah, what have you, what have you got to say about it? And that’s a healthy, open dialogue where you can speak freely and I love it.

So another way would be to say, um, you know, I hear exactly where you’re coming from. There are a lot of people that share your perspective for those very reasons you talked about. I see things a little differently. Would you like me to share? So that’s a little more kind of, um, polite, I guess. And then you wait for them to give you the go ahead. Once they say, yeah, go ahead. Ideally, now they’re listening because previously when they were giving you their point of view, they weren’t going to hear you anyway.

I promised you anything you say, they were ready to refute. So it was not going to be a very beneficial conversation. At least it hasn’t been in my, uh, experience. So you have the upper hand by controlling the conversation through your questions, through your responses of, Oh, I see. Uh-huh. Through your validation of their point of view. And then you specifically and directly say, would you like to hear my point of view? That’s a show stopper. They may not want to hear it. Ideally, they will. And again, you’re not, it’s unlikely you’re going to change their point of view, but this is your opportunity to speak your mind without losing your mind, to keep your cool, perhaps while others are losing theirs.

And you know, at least you were able to share your point of view. It’s been my experience that people who are insecure, perhaps, uh, not as emotionally mature, people that are living in fear, people that, uh, are weak minded. I’m not sure if that’s the correct phrase to use. They don’t want to be told that they’re wrong and they don’t want their positions to be challenged. And I know for some of us, we may feel like I’m the one that’s going to change their point of view. And it may be about health choices.

It may be about the environment. It may be about politics. It may be about religion. There are so many hot topic conversations that I don’t think we should necessarily shy away from. In fact, I want these conversations, dialogues and discussions to be beneficial and interesting and an open exchange of ideas. So I hope that these tips and these specific phrases are going to give you some tools that you can use. Let me know how it goes for you, friends. We’re heading into the holiday season. I really appreciate you being on board and I look forward to seeing you in an upcoming broadcast.

See more of The Healthy American Peggy Hall on their Public Channel and the MPN The Healthy American Peggy Hall channel.