➡ Peggy Hall shares tips on how to handle conflicts, emphasizing that resolving the issue is more important than the conflict itself. She suggests taking a timeout during heated moments, engaging in physical activity to release tension, and considering the other person’s perspective. She also advises jotting down your thoughts to communicate effectively and empathetically. Lastly, she encourages initiating the resolution process, rather than waiting for the other person to do so.
➡ When resolving conflicts, consider the timing and location of the discussion. Avoid confrontational settings and choose a neutral place, like going for a walk. Set a time limit for the conversation to prevent it from dragging on. Each person should have an equal opportunity to express their thoughts and have them reflected back to ensure understanding. The goal of the conversation should be to figure out how to move forward, not to dwell on past issues. Celebrate the courage it takes to address conflicts, as they are a natural part of relationships.
➡ Be brave and work on fixing any problems in your relationships. Be proud of yourself for trying to make things better. Remember, I’m always here to listen to your experiences.

Hey friends, Peggy Hall here to add some positive value to your life. I want to help you if you’re having difficulty resolving conflicts, whether this is with a loved one or maybe just a friend, an acquaintance, a co-worker, a boss, a neighbor. But particularly, it happens when we are having a conflict with someone who’s very close to us. And I want to give you a couple of tips on how to get through that and get past that and then to look ahead for smoother sailing. And that’s kind of one of the top tips right there is this process that I’m going to walk you through is all about answering the question, what do we do next? Where do we go from here? How do I handle this better next time? So often we are stuck in the issue that we’re grappling with, and we want justice and we want revenge and we want some solutions right here and now.

And it may be that whatever that conflict is or was, we need to move on from it and talk about where to go from here. So that’s going to be at the end. But let’s back up a little bit, and I want to share with you why resolving the conflict is so much more important than the conflict itself. Here’s what I mean by that. There always is going to be conflict in life. Somehow, I grew up thinking that having arguments was somehow a failure, that if I had some kind of confrontation or difference of opinion with someone, that that was a negative experience.

And as I grew in my maturity and in my years, I realized that having a conflict, even having an argument, even a heated argument, as long as no one is hurt and nothing is damaged, that that’s okay in a certain way. And what I mean is that more than focusing on, oh, we had this blowout or we had this argument or we had this conflict and thinking, oh, it’s all over now, we’ll never recover from that. I want to share a different perspective. You can recover from that. And in fact, the recovery, the resolving of the conflict is more important, in my opinion, than the conflict itself.

In other words, don’t let the episode of you having a conflict or an argument hold you back from resolving that and moving ahead. This is what would be called holding a grudge when you do the opposite. And it’s so sad that I know people very well who have held grudges their entire life. They have had broken relationships, never to be repaired. And that is so distressing to me. So the number one thing is to realize that conflicts happen. These incidents occur in life. No one is perfect. We have different perspectives on things. We have different energy levels.

We may be having a good day, a bad day. We might be more easily irritated. We might be on a short fuse. We might have lost our temper. Don’t let that be the, as the expression goes, the be all end all of that relationship. You can resolve that conflict and you can move ahead. So we have to really grasp that concept. Otherwise, these other points won’t make any difference. So repeat after me, having friction and a conflict in an argument is not the end of the world. It happens. It’s normal. It’s commonplace. And we can get through it.

Now, the goal is that both parties can acknowledge and accept that truth. And once you have done that, and maybe even talk about that a little bit, then you can move out of that conflict and into the resolution stage. I’m just going to share with you a few tips that have worked for me personally, now that I’m no stranger to conflict. But this big change in my life, thinking that everything had to be perfect and every relationship had to be smooth and I could never be upset or no one else could be upset with me. That’s just not realistic.

So set that aside. And let’s dive into how to resolve these conflicts. All right. The number one thing I would say is when you are in the midst of the argument, the heated time, the circumstances is literally take some time out. And that could be used simply saying, I need, I need a few minutes to myself, or let’s take a timeout and let’s pick this up in a little bit, and you literally need to change the energy. And that usually has to do with changing the physical setup so you can leave the room, you can go outside, it might be, perhaps you’re in a car driving somewhere and you’re having an argument, maybe you can pull into a rest stop or, you know, gas station or something.

Or maybe just turn off the car. It’s very probably dangerous to have these types of confrontations while someone’s driving. So take, literally take time out. It could be five minutes, it could be five hours. Hopefully it’s not going to be five days. I do believe in resolving the conflicts promptly is better so that there’s not a lot of time to stew, but there’s enough time to actually think about it, and let your emotions come back down, let some of the, you know, high energy be resolved. So take time out. This is extremely important. Let them don’t just leave the room stomp out slam the door you’re going to communicate with your person that you’re having the conflict with and you’re going to say let’s just take a timeout right now.

They may want to continue arguing. And that’s where, especially if your safety is involved you would just get up and leave the room and go some someplace else and say, let’s pick this up in a 10 minutes or 30 minutes, whatever the case may be. Okay, the second thing is, go for a walk, do some kind of activity. If you’re not in a place where you can go for a walk. Can you take a shower can you remove yourself you know to the restroom or something do some jumping jacks wash your hands. If you’re at home, do the dishes, do something to release some of that energy, and those pent up emotions that, you know, run hot when we’re having a conflict that is going to help you think more clearly and listen better to the person with what they’re trying to get across as well.

So, number one, you’re going to remove yourself from the situation for a timeout number to do some kind of activity, even if you’re just jogging in place shaking your hands, splashing your face with water maybe taking a shower whatever you can do to change that energy, maybe even change your clothes I find that extremely beneficial. Number three, what I also like to do is to gather my thoughts. When we’re in the midst of a confrontation, we can say things, maybe out of line. Maybe bring up old confrontations that were never resolved. There could be all sorts of things that happen because the energy, the emotions are running high.

So when you’ve had a chance to calm down a little bit. I hate it when people tell me to calm down when you have a chance to regain your composure. How about that, take out a pen piece of paper jot down your thoughts what exactly is it that you would like to get across and how can you do so in an empathetic adult mature way. That will actually help you get your points across because you know how it goes when we’re having arguments. The harder you fight, the worse it gets. When somebody is a little more composed and able to express themselves in an emotionally mature manner, generally speaking, we can move things ahead.

All right, so while you’re doing that and you’re jotting some things down, consider if you will, their point of view. Is there any truth in what they’re saying? Do you have a role in this conflict that maybe you might be overlooking? Are they blowing it out of proportion? Have they misunderstood what you were trying to explain? Do they have a different interpretation? So think about where they’re coming from and why they might be feeling hurt offended, irritated, upset, angry. This actually is going to help you get your ideas across more effectively and compellingly and persuasively once you understand where they’re coming from.

This is admittedly difficult to do when you’re in that red zone, that angry zone. That’s why removing yourself from the situation, changing the energy and jotting down your ideas and then considering, all right, where are they coming from? How are they seeing this? It’s giving you a dress rehearsal before you go back in for the resolution of this conflict. Now, let’s talk about some of the specifics. You’ve done those things, you’ve considered their point of view, jotted down your ideas, you’ve changed the energy, you took a break, you’re feeling more composed. Then, and you may be the one that initiates this.

That’s kind of a little side tip. Don’t just wait for the other person to come back and say, okay, I’m ready to talk about it or I’m sorry I did that. You initiating it kind of gives you the upper hand because you are taking the initiative and that can actually give you a sense of confidence and empowerment in this next interaction. So, you’ve agreed now that you want to move into the resolution. Number one thing is consider the timing, and there’s a couple of things here about timing. Number one, the actual time of the day. If your loved one, let’s say you’ve been home, your loved one just came in from work.

Don’t hit them with it the moment they walk in the door. You know how that feels. And if you have just come home from work and your loved one says, okay, I’m ready to talk about it. You can say, let me get composed. I need a few minutes to decompress. You know, why don’t we take a walk in 15 minutes. So, consider the time of day. I personally try to avoid having these resolution and even the conflict. I really try to avoid doing that on the phone. I think in-person is the best. Are there times when you can’t be in-person? Of course, that you might be working remotely, and this is an issue with a co-worker.

But ideally, it is something that’s not just going to be done over a text or over a phone call. If you’re remote, maybe you’re doing something on Zoom or even a FaceTime or something like that. But consider the time of day. Is it the first thing in the morning? Is that person going to have their mind concerned with everything they’ve got to get done that day? Are you catching them in between appointments? So, think about a time for both of you when you actually have time. That’s going to be different for everyone, but at least let that be a point of consideration.

The second thing about time, and this is for me, has changed everything in my conflicts. Oh, excuse me, my resolutions. And that is a time limit. And you will find it valuable to communicate that time limit. For example, sweetheart, let me know when you have 10 minutes because I’d like to discuss the oil change of the car. I’d like to discuss the conflict that we had. Now, that’s a really mature opening. You’re letting the person know that you’re ready to talk, you’re actually letting them choose the time, and you’ve put a time limit. Here’s why it’s so important.

Number one, you’re not going to drift down, ideally, all these other past actions that you’re going to dredge up about things that happen that are going to support your argument in your case. You don’t have time for that. You only have 10 minutes. Number two, the fact that each of you know you only have 10 minutes is a relief. Some people don’t want to have these discussions because they think they’re going to go on forever and ever, and sometimes they do. My lovely husband, Pastor David, does a lot of counseling for individuals. And some of these counseling sessions do take place virtually.

And, you know, through the goodness of his heart, he lets them go on forever. I’m like, sweetie, it’s actually more beneficial if you put a time limit. And that is something that I know that I’ve benefited from, especially in these very important discussions where you don’t want the emotions to run. And the person knows, oh, we’re not going to be talking about this forever. I can give you 10 minutes. So that the timing of the day and the time limit have been game changers for me. Okay, the other thing that’s really important, not only the time, but the location.

Where are you going to have this conversation? If at all possible, have it in a neutral place. I find that going on a walk, like a 10 minute walk, is one of the best ways to have these conversations. Number one, you’ve got movement. So some of that pent up energy and emotions, those will be released through the movement, through the breathing. It’s relaxing when you’re on a walk. Secondly, you’re side by side. So the confrontational position is not there. That really, when you’re face to face with someone, like that’s probably the worst, in my experience, the worst way to resolve a conflict.

There’s too much of a power struggle. It’s me against you. And especially if at all possible, like let’s say it’s at work, you don’t want to go into that person’s office. You need to be on neutral ground. So out in the lunch room or sitting at a table, but if at all possible, not face to face, sitting side by side or going for a walk. So consider those conditions. If that’s not at all possible, try to at least find a neutral position in your home so you’re not just glaring over the kitchen table at the person.

So that helps a lot in these conversations. Let’s talk about the conversations. A good way of resolving the conflict is to also have, so you’ve got your 10 minute time limit. So maybe informally, you could say, okay, I’d like to share my thoughts for 10 minutes or for two minutes. Or why don’t you share your thoughts for two minutes, roughly two minutes, and then that’s enough time for me to take it in and then I’ll reflect back onto what you’re saying. And then it will be my turn to talk for about two minutes, then you can reflect back to make sure that I’ve got my message out.

This is so beneficial. You’ve got the time limit. You’ve already explained to your partner, the person you’re talking to, that you are going to be listening. You’re going to be listening so carefully that you’re going to reflect back exactly what they said so that you can ensure that there are no misunderstandings. And when you reflect back, reflect back exactly what they said. So if they say, you know, I’m very concerned about the time you’re spending away from home, for example, then you reflect back, you’re very concerned about the amount of time I’m spending away from home.

You don’t have to embellish it, you don’t have to put your opinion on there, you just reflect back. The person may say, you know, this is the third time this week that I’ve asked you to empty the dishwasher, you know, in the morning and it still hasn’t been done. Maybe you’re talking to your, you know, your son or daughter. They’re going to reflect back, well, you’ve been asking me to three times now this week to do this. So these are just simple examples off the top of my head. I don’t even need to give you an example.

You probably already have an idea in your own mind of a conflict that you would like to resolve and friends, it is never too late to resolve these conflicts. So you may even want to write a letter to someone and say, you know, I’ve been thinking about this last interaction that we had. And I was wondering if you would like to have a conversation about this, maybe a 10 minute conversation, I would love to hear your point of view. Right? Open the door, let them know that you want to hear from them. That can be very, very compelling.

All right. So you’ve found the time, you’ve limited the time. Each of you have an opportunity to speak, to be heard, to have the person reflect back. You can take care of any, you know, inconsistencies or misunderstandings in this manner within that timeframe. Here is the most important part of all. And this is what I started the video with. And that is, this is all geared toward what do we do next. So this conversation is not so much about, this is what you did. And this is what I said. And this is no, no, no, no, no, no.

Where do we go from here? Obviously, there was a conflict. I mean, there was a conflict. So obviously, something wasn’t working. You’ve asked your child three times this week to empty the dishwasher before a certain time in it. It hasn’t happened. So what can you do differently? Where do we go from here? And if you can frame your conversation with that goal in mind, you can say, sweetie, the my intention of our 10 minute conversation is to figure out where to go from here. How can we improve on our conversation, on our decision making, on our thoughts, feelings, actions, so that we can move ahead in a more, you know, amenable, you know, loving, or compassionate way that’s going to make sense for us.

You can fill in the blank with the words that make sense for you. But the goal is not to rehash everything that was done only enough so that you understand where the person is coming from, they understand where you’re coming from, and then where do we go from here. And the final little bonus tip is to celebrate. Celebrate that you have the courage to, number one, acknowledge that conflicts are not the end all be all of a relationship. They’re natural. It happens. People have different points of view. They have different goals. They have different rhythms. They have a different speed of living life.

They have different ways of interacting with the world. Of course, there’s going to be conflict. Don’t let that hamstring you don’t let that break these relationships have the courage and the confidence now to resolve these conflicts with the goal of where do we go from here, congratulate yourself for going through that process and let me know how that turns out for you. I am always listening. [tr:trw].

See more of The Healthy American Peggy Hall on their Public Channel and the MPN The Healthy American Peggy Hall channel.